Antisocial Stereotypes: Tracy Kellett’s estate agents

As a top buying agent, Tracy Kellett deals with a lot of estate agents who have let’s say idiosyncratic approaches to selling property. Here’s Kellett’s (entirely fictional) field guide to modern estate agent types…

Foxy

Foxy looks great in his House of Fraser suit and wears his pointy D&G shoes with pride, particularly as he got a right deal at TK Maxx. Foxy is driven to sell. Partly because he is on £8k a year basic and a shared flat in Shoreditch doesn’t come cheap. Partly because if he doesn’t he knows he’ll have to stand on a table at the morning meeting and recite “I am a loser” while his colleagues (enemies), jeer and spray him with Perrier. If an unknown number comes up between 8am and 12pm it will be Foxy – “calling out”. No matter you found 12 months ago, he was just checking you were happy in it because if you need to sell….

  • Catchphrase: If you throw enough *!@&..
  • Likes:  His database.
  • Dislikes: Loooo-sers.

Caroline

Caroline is single; she wasn’t always. She has left a number of husbands in her wake. The latest woke to find his suits sleeveless and a Facebook photo of him, a goat and an unverifiable accusation. Caroline is not to be messed with. She rules her Agency with iron talons and only hires young men or women older and fatter than her. She wears power suits in jewel colours, very very high heels and has long swishy hair, which she swishes, a lot. She rarely wears tights on her long fake tanned legs and when in the company of men could give Sharon Stone a run for her leg-crossing money. Caroline prides herself on a new brand of feminine Estate Agency, thus the office has pink accessories, Designer Guild cushions and black and white photographs with motivational quotes.

  • Catchphrase: Fab after Fifty.
  • Likes: Carole Middleton.
  • Dislikes: Younger women.

Michaela

Michaela is more careful about showing off her tattoo since being promoted from receptionist, although the fake tan has sadly dulled it anyway. She has also splashed out on a couple of Next suits. Michaela would like to live in every property she shows and she tells every buyer. Sadly this is just a pipe dream since boyfriend Gaz was made redundant from Kwik-Fit. Still, his Grandma is ill and she’s got a lovely retirement bungalow in Bognor, so there is hope. Michaela has Heart.

  • Catchphrase: It’s alright for some.
  • Likes: Loose Women.
  • Dislikes: Anyone abov’emselves.

Christine

Christine looks Mumsy but she has seen it all and let me tell you, it was all negative then and it’s no flaming better now. The only people she likes are her son, who is perfect and the Manager and district Manager, who she bakes cakes for. Those young ruddy negs in the office are a constant irritant and they ain’t picking up the phone first or getting their bleeding fingers on her applicant list if she has anything to do with it. They can do her viewings though.  Christine only likes buyers who are male, middle class and flirt with her. Do not bring children to viewings, that steel eyed stare will cause them nightmares.

  • Catchphrase: I spoke to that applicant first.
  • Likes: Strictly Come Dancing.
  • Dislikes: People.

Dave

Dave is to be found south of the river offering “sell your house for £500” deals from his one man office above Greggs. “It’s all about volume innit. Pile ’em high and sell ’em cheap didn’t do Tesco’s any harm did it?!”

Dave is a bit stressed, quite a bit of the time, because he isn’t piling them high and frankly he’s not selling them neiver.

You can find the Greater Spotty Dave on Rightmove. His properties have the toilet seats up and the washing up takes centre stage. If you look even closer, there he is complete with flash in the bathroom mirror.

Dave drives an Astra but he really, really aspires to a Vectra.

  • Catchphrase: I just want to offer punters value for money.
  • Likes: Greggs sausage rolls and Boots meal deals.
  • Dislikes: Any Estate Agent with a listing.

Sheila

Sheila is to be found in the shires, Sheila is upper middle class and upper middle aged with hair sprayed so hard you wouldn’t get through it with a toffee hammer. Particular specialties are equestrian property and being scary. Expect the Spanish Inquisition if you try to book a viewing, so for ease of passage change your name to Camilla, honk a lot and have equine worming tablets visible in your handbag.

  • Catchphrase: If Daddy hadn’t lost on Lloyds I wouldn’t be here.
  • Likes: Princess Anne.
  • Dislikes: Commoners.

Rupert

Can’t miss him out!

The older generation Rupert wasn’t quite bright enough to go to University but young men from frightfully good families do need a profession with a business card and the City was picky back then. The younger generation have Land Management degrees from St Andrews, Durham and of course Cirencester. Dead handy because they never know if Papa might pop his clogs and they’ll have to take the reins at the family large-holding.

Never try jokes or irony with a Rupert – they won’t get it. However, they “won’t get it” with the most impeccable manners.

  • Catchphrase: Do you play Rugger?
  • Likes: A blo*dy good pheasant shoot.
  • Dislikes: Being called an Estate Agent.

***

So, due to concerns of biting the hand that feeds me, let me make it clear that these character are not based on anyone living or dead and bear no resemblance to any Estate Agent I have met in the course of my daily life. In fact I shall go as far as saying I have made it all up and that all Estate Agents are made of sugar and spice and stop for hedgehogs crossing the road. Apart from Rupert of course, who shoots them.

Tall Tales from a Short Buying Agent - Kellett

Tracy Kellett is Director of BDI Home Finder
bdihomefinders.co.uk

Her ebook, Tall Tales from a Short Buying Agent, is available to download here.

thebuyingagent.wordpress.com

It’s probably worth pointing out that the view of contributors are not  necessarily those of PrimeResi or its publishers…